Perpetual Problems in a Relationship
Brace yourself, I am just going to ask you right out; Does your spouse ever get on your nerves?
Regardless of how “perfect” your spouse is—the person you marry is going to have some characteristics—habits, preferences, routines—that annoy you.
During the dating phase, these may seem unimportant—maybe even cute. However, these characteristics aren’t going anywhere. For better or worse, you marry your spouse, and all of their problems. Lucky you! [and every other married person in the world.]
How long should you bake cookies in the oven?
While this may seem like an innocent question, it deserves far more of our consideration than we often give it. In general, there are two schools of thought. Some people prefer their cookies soft, doughy and gooey—the ultimate indulgence at the end of a long day. Then again, maybe the perfect cookie is thoroughly baked and crispy... at least that’s what my husband thinks.
When should you arrive at a social gathering? At the scheduled start time? Or at least five minutes later? One of you might say, “Oh no, then you might be the first one there.” Then the other would respond, “What’s wrong with that?” You say, “You can’t be the first one there, everyone knows that.” They say, “I don’t. I want to be the first one there.”
And can anyone forget about the age-old debate between a night owl and early riser? Should you stay up late and sleep in or wake up early to enjoy the start of your day?
Do any of these conversations sound familiar?
They are very familiar to me since these are discussions that I routinely have with my husband. How to clean the kitchen was actually the first real argument we ever had as a married couple. Back then, we probably thought that if we waited long enough, the issue would just go away.
We were naive enough to think that if we could each state our perspective, one of us would see how logical the other side was and change to the more reasonably presented view. Now we realize the kitchen debate probably won’t ever change. But the debate itself is no longer a problem—we don’t feel the need to solve it like we did when we were first married. In fact, it’s actually turned into more of an inside joke.
There is a popular misconception that husbands and wives could solve practically any disagreement by discussing a series of never-ending arguments and counterpoints.
This “exchange theory” dynamic eventually turns the marriage into a contractual agreement, and––as you might guess—it doesn’t work. It keeps couples stuck in a cycle of not meeting each other's needs and feeling frustrated or emotionally isolated and misunderstood.
The current leader of marriage and family research, Dr. John Gottman, discovered through rigorous empirical research that this “exchange theory” of marriage was untrue and didn’t actually solve anything. Instead of eventually persuading your spouse that you are right (or vice versa) the only time you actually get to determine what problems or annoyances your spouse will have is when you are dating.
When you’re dating, you can decide that the way your significant other loads the dishwasher is a deal breaker or something you can live with. Once you’re married, you are stuck with that person and their quirks forever. These differences can lead to perpetual problems—things that spouses won’t necessarily ever agree on… yes, I said ever.
But this isn’t necessarily bad news.…conflicts are what help us grow and improve. They are the refining fire of a relationship. Problems provide us the opportunity to grow together and sacrifice for one another.
Perfection in ourselves and our life doesn’t actually make us happy (though that might seem tempting!), but voluntarily accepting responsibility, some suffering, and learning to love other people even when they annoy us… and yes, even when they overcook cookies or constantly make us late…can help us grow in ways we never thought we could.
Think of a couple who is different in many ways. The wife is an extrovert--the “life of the party,” and invites people to their home every weekend. On the other hand, the husband is an extreme introvert; he often finds it difficult to communicate his emotions.
She is involved in many activities in the community, and he prefers to go between work and home.
They decide to go to counseling for communication concerns and discuss a perpetual problem they had. The husband was quiet during one of their recent car rides home, and his wife was concerned due to his lack of communication.
She asked, “Why were you so quiet on the ride home?”
He took a long pause and said, “Because I don’t have money to pay the electric bill.”
She said, “You don’t have money to pay the bill?”
“No”, he said.
“How much is it?”, she asked.
“$87.” he said.
She said, “I have the money.”
“You have the money?”
“Yes, I put money away because people at the church might need help with different things.”
He said, “Now, that’s a problem you’re putting money away that I don’t know about.”
She says, “Yes, but I can pay the bill.”
After a pause she says, “That’s why you should tell me these things because I could’ve helped you.”
He says, “I know, you know I’m not like that.”
She says, “I know.”
This conversation is a great example of how perpetual problems can play out in everyday life. It is easy for couples to become frustrated and gridlocked on specific issues. In the situation above, the wife was constantly frustrated with her husband “not communicating with her.” She often viewed this as a distance between them.
However, once she was able to slow down and tune into her husband’s emotional needs (by asking him why he was quiet in the car rather than asking, “What’s wrong? Why won’t you talk to me?”), this gave him an avenue to disclose and share a worry he had.
She will always be outgoing, and he will always be introverted.
This is one of the perpetual problems they inherited when they chose to get married, but they managed it in a way that prevented the Four Horsemen to enter into the relationship. Taking the time to leave room for differences and show acceptance for these ‘problems’ allows us to leave room for ourselves as a couple to navigate conflicts more successfully and it gives us an opportunity to love with heroic virtue.
When we marry someone, we commit to loving and honoring them until death. Our vows represent our loving acceptance of that whole person, not just the parts that we like the most or the parts that easily fall in line with our preferences. I call that a salvific sacrifice.
Not only do these conflicts bring out our inner Saints, they also are opportunities to grow closer and develop more intimacy with each other. Once we can accept our partners as they are, we can begin to see our relationship in a whole new light. The light of love.
