Authentic Connection
Welcome to the very first episode of Connect(ing) Out Loud with Regina Boyd, LMHC. Here we will be discussing connections within our families as they relate to our mental health and Catholic faith- all while connecting YOU with those you love most! Today, we will be specifically talking about Authentic Connection.
Have you known any couples who seem really in love (I mean really, really in love!), and then a few years later you find out that they separated or divorced? How does this happen? There are MANY reasons for this, but one answer is commonly to blame.
They lose their connection.
What started out as a strong emotional bond weakens over time until the couple can honestly say they don’t know each other anymore.
If you want to know what you can do to keep your connection strong, healthy, romantic, and vibrant, you are in the right place! This podcast, and my whole career, is all about strengthening relationships through authentic connection.
I’ve been counseling couples for over 11 years, and so many people come to me seeking help because they have lost their connection. What is going on? Everyone wants a strong relationship, but it’s clearly not as simple as just wanting it.
I want to help you bridge the gap and improve every relationship that is important to you. Let’s dive into what exactly the problem is, and some solutions you can use in your own marriage.
In identifying obstacles to authentic connection, there are two main categories. The first is TIME or PRIORITIES. Couples often don’t feel that they have the time to have truly connecting experiences together. They are busy with demanding schedules at work and home.
If they have children, more demands are placed upon their time. They often feel tired, exhausted, and sapped of all energy. The second category of obstacles falls under COMPLACENCY. Couples may assume that “everything is fine” and slowly drift apart from each other. They may not intentionally put their relationship on the back burner, but they think their connection can do without the attention.
Laziness and selfishness can also play into complacency. Emotional distance can result, and each person gets used to a feeling of not knowing their partner and not being known themselves. You may ask if this is true of every type of relationship- friends, family, and romantic partners. I would say yes, but the closer and more serious the relationship is, the more impactful the need for the emotional connection.
What are some solutions to these issues? First, schedule time together. There is a choice in how we spend our time even in our most busy moments. You might be working full time, taking kids to activities, and feel that you absolutely have no time to devote to your connection.
It’s a difficult choice to make, but you will have to reserve some of your willpower to make the decision to spend time together. You may choose a day of the week that is consistently your mini date night, or schedule a weekly breakfast to talk together while your kids are in school. It is challenging, but you and your partner can find a time that works for you!
Another solution is to think about the activities and chores that you do and find the ones that are most depleting to you. These are the tasks that you dread completing and wish anyone would do but you. Discuss with your partner ways to make the tasks more enjoyable.
Perhaps you can swap chores so that each is doing something they enjoy more, or you can find a way to do the activity together and make it more fun. These could be opportunities for nourishing your relationship while taking care of things that have to be done.
Finally, you and your partner can grow closer using love maps. This means you have mapped out in your mind the emotional and mental world of your beloved. This may be their biggest work concerns, their best friends at the time, their favorite restaurant- anything that tells you more about their inner world.
You might want to ask each other questions to see how much you know about each other. Love maps can help you gauge how well you know your spouse and whether you should focus more on communicating. Making sure you are very knowledgeable about your partner’s inner world and building love maps in your mind will lead to greater closeness. Learn more about love maps.
Mental Wellness Tip
A fun activity to do as a couple or family is mindful eating. This involves slowing down your snack or meal, and describing all the information your senses are gathering.
You can first focus on how the food looks, and describe it in detail. As you discuss the food with your family or partner, you can tell how it feels, smells, and finally tastes. By being in the moment, you will be learning to recognize the wonderful things God has given you and be more grateful for them.
In recognizing small things you will notice more things about your connections. This exercise teaches you to become more mindful of the moment, a skill that will improve your relationships!
For an example of this mindfulness activity, check out
Q and A
One of the most common questions I get as a therapist is “Why will my spouse/child/friend not listen to me?”
First, it’s important to understand that your beloved is not intentionally not listening to you. They are not trying to ignore you. The reality is that they haven’t been trained in effective listening skills. To avoid the appearance of not listening, it’s important to not interject your own thoughts when someone is speaking.
We all have a “tape” running in our head of how we are going to respond when someone is talking to us, but it’s important to stop that tape and listen instead. Here are some questions you can ask to convey that you are actively listening:
-How was your day?
-What was that like for you?
-Are you happy with how that conversation ended?
While asking questions is great, avoid making comments that can seem critical. Conveying a tone of listening lets your spouse know that you value what they have to say.
Listen to the Connect(ing) Out Loud podcast with Regina Boyd NOW!
