Community (Part 1)
“I just want to grab coffee, sit at one of the cute little tables, and talk!”
“Video chatting is great—but I want to visit with my friends in person!”
“I miss real, adult conversation.”
Does this sound like you these days? If so, you, like many people, are experiencing the social distancing and stay-at-home blues. The structure and routine, social interactions, and ways of dealing with stress that our friends and social groups once provided have disappeared. Tragedies and struggles like those we currently face have a way of reminding us what is most important in our lives.
Things like friendship, love, and belonging that we once took for granted have suddenly made it to our top-ten list of life priorities. While these things that once held a prominent place in our life have suddenly been proscribed, it leaves us the time and space to explore and rediscover our familial community.
Traditionally, when we think about “community” we refer to a group of people outside of our family—friends, work colleagues, church members, sports groups, etc. They are there to motivate, love, and inspire us as we go throughout our lives. But our original community lies much closer to home.
First and foremost, should be our relationship with God. In order for the rest of our lives to fall into place, we must have a solid foundation in our relationship with Christ. But we weren’t made to take this journey through life on earth alone. From the moment He created mankind, God looked at Adam and said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:19)
God designed us to be part of a community—to build relationships with others. When God sent His only son, He sent Him to a family—the Holy Family. The Father knew that the Son would need an earthly family to take care of Him.
As an infant, Jesus still needed the same tender care any infant would need.Thus, God provided a family to provide for Him, to love Him, and to raise Him in the human virtue. God’s design shows us the importance of the seemingly small and mundane tasks of daily family life. If God’s exemplar of the Holy Family was good enough for His Son, then it should be good enough for us too!
The Catechism states:
“God’s very being is love. By sending his only Son and the Spirit of Love in the fullness of time, God has revealed his innermost secret: God himself is an eternal exchange of love, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and he has destined us to share in that exchange. The Trinity is One. We do not confess three Gods, but one God in three persons, the “consubstantial Trinity”. The divine persons do not share the one divinity among themselves but each of them is God whole and entire… It is the Father who generates, the Son who is begotten, and the Holy Spirit who proceeds.” (CCC 221, 253-254)
In a marriage, the husband and wife become one flesh, through this union, a child is created; this reflects the Father begetting the Son, and the Holy Spirit who proceeds. The family is an icon of the Trinity. Like the sacraments have visible signs of invisible grace, the family is there to make God’s love visible to the world.
In the Gospel, Matthew quotes Jesus, saying “He said in reply, ‘Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator “made them male and female” and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one flesh.’” (Matthew 19:4-6)
Not only does the family reflect the image of the Trinity, but it is also our destiny to participate in the eternal exchange of love for all eternity. To become more like God, to become divinized! And that process begins here within our earthly families.
Wait, hold up––Did you read that correctly?!!? Yes… you did! Let’s soak in the reality of the magnitude of what married life is… the status it has. The goal for which it is intended… reflecting God’s love!
“How are we reflecting that Trinitarian love to one another? How are we extending love, forgiveness, compassion, understanding, patience, etc.? How can we reveal God’s love to others in our daily lives? We must be willing to invite others into that love through our hospitality.”
We believe in a God, a Father, who has redeemed the world through His Son, Jesus Christ. That redemption is something worth celebrating! How do we show our excitement? How do we celebrate? By being in communion with those around us: our friends, our family, the people God has placed into our lives to celebrate that Love with.
With His death and resurrection, Christ redeemed mankind. He gave the ultimate sacrifice––His life––so that we might celebrate with Him in Heaven. As such, we are called to join in this celebration, to extend that same love to each member of our family that Christ bestowed on us.
This love is manifested in simple ways to be patient with a child, to be present to a friend, to be engaged at home with your spouse and not check out on your phone. To prepare a meal with joy instead of obligation to love each other as Christ loves us.
Like the Holy Family, our earthly family is there to love and care for us all the days of our lives. They are the first “school” we enter into—our primary community. They teach us how to walk, and tie our shoes, and introduce and guide us in the faith as we grow up. Through our parents and siblings, we learn to develop relationships with God, our family members, and others; they teach us how to interact with people and the world around us.
These fundamental skills teach us how to build healthy relationships, but sometimes our parents fall short. Children look to their parents as models—from them they learn how to interact with each other, with their children, and with people in the world around them; based on these observations. Children create their own template on how to build relationships and interact with others. When we become parents, we take up this teaching mantle in our own families, and to whom better could we look to than the Holy Family for inspiration, intercession, and guidance.
In baseball, the primary goal of the game is to hit the ball far enough into the field for the player to run back to home plate; when the player finally runs (or slides!) across home plate, the umpire yells “Safe!”
Our family is much like that home plate—the goal is to provide us with enough skills to leave home as healthy adults, but with the knowledge that if we need to return, at home we are “safe.” In our families, we learn to develop all of our basic skills—much of it is gained through mimicry.
If your husband comes home starving from work, eats a cup of yogurt before dinner, and leaves the empty container on the table—simply throw it away without sighing or rolling your eyes. Does the dishwasher need to be emptied while your wife is cooking dinner? Empty it. Little eyes are watching—you might just inspire your child to pick up the baby’s toys or fulfill another need unasked for, or you’re teaching them to get frustrated every time someone doesn’t meet your expectations.
Did your husband come home dejected or frustrated from work? Offer him support. Is your wife overwhelmed with responsibilities? Assist her.
How do we offer support and assist? By asking them. Ask your partner what they need from you. Ask, “How can I help?” You might be surprised because the answer isn’t always what we expect or what we are feeling prepared to give…. give anyway.
As spouses, have candid talk about how you can help one another.
Then create a written plan of how you will meet these needs once a day over the next week. Writing it down makes it much more likely for you to visualize and follow through. It may seem a bit extra, but trust me. Give it a try and see how it goes!
This little shift will strengthen the sense of community and oneness in your family. When your children grow up, they will remember those times you supported each other and will know how to support their siblings. Imagine siblings who comfort and support each other after a bad date, or help the other study for a big test?
Everything we do as parents is a model for our children—how we mourn the death of a loved one, how we react to a family member’s difference of opinion, how we listen to one another, what we willingly sacrifice, what and how we celebrate, and how we communicate. If you treat your spouse with respect, listen to their troubles, and respond with love—your children will learn to treat others with respect, learn to listen, and learn to respond with love. As Saint Mother Teresa said, “We cannot all do great things. But we can all do small things with great love.”
Here are 3 tips for building community within the family:
Establish family rituals that you all will look forward to. For example, a game night, movie night, prayer time, etc.
Eat meals together and discuss intriguing topics (If you were the governor what would you do in this situation? What do you think is the best way to help the poor? Who makes the best ice cream in town?)
Mom and dad need a date night (quarantine style). For example, have a picnic in the backyard or living room while children are watching a movie or in bed. Be intentional about having coffee together before everyone wakes up. Take a 30 minute walk down the street (no discussing to do lists during this time!). Take a 10 minute break and dance to your wedding song together.
While we gain support from our extended community—the original support, motivation, love, and sense of belonging still remains in our foundational community, our family. In this time of quarantine, solidify relationships in that community, seek strength and support in that community. In times of stress, anxiety, and uncertainty—look to the Holy Family for inspiration. If they were able to escape Herod’s decree, and flee with a newborn, we will survive our own days of uncertainty.
