Discerning Marriage Pt. 2

Episode 3 – Discerning Marriage Part 2 – Highlights

Welcome to Episode 3 of Connect(ing) Loud, where we discuss connections within our families as they relate to our mental health and Catholic faith–– all while connecting YOU with those you love most! This episode is part 2 of my interview with Elizabeth Busby, creator of DiscerningMarriage.com. 

Remarriage is a reality for many Catholics, and by this I mean when they realize that their first marriage wasn’t sacramental, they discern entering into a sacramental marriage. Many of these men and women will enter marriage with children and, similar to what we discussed in a previous question, the emotional landscape of someone who had a negative experience with marriage. How would you recommend they proceed with discerning marriage, and is there anything that they should pay more attention to? Should they be attentive to their own fears or wounds from previous relationships? 

I am a proponent of preventative counseling–– seeking help before problems become really bad. I absolutely think that all people who have gone through an annulment or divorce should go to counseling because experiences with previous hurt will absolutely affect a new marriage. They need to be attentive to their fears and wounds because it will affect all aspects of their life. Our wounds are often a place in our hearts where we haven’t let Jesus in yet. Going to a licensed marriage and family therapist is ideal since they are trained in relational perspectives. 

What do you think marriage prep programs are missing (if anything)?

I think that everyone who is working in marriage prep is working hard to do the best they can for holy, healthy marriages. However, I think there is a trend to have all of the really intense formation happening in the engagement period. In part, this is because it’s easy to say “OK, you want to get married in our church, so these are the requirements to do so.” It is a very clear boundary on when to start preparation. In pursuing my first Master’s degree, I wrote my thesis on how Theology of the Body can aid in discerning the marriage vocation. As I was researching, I found this apostolic exhortation from John Paul II called Familiaris Consortio. There is an article in it about marriage prep where he lists three stages. First is Remote, when a child is growing up and learning about marriage through their parents, family, and community. The third stage is the Immediate Prep, which is the period immediately before marriage. In between these steps is the second stage, Proximate Preparation, in which John Paul II lists many things that people should do. In America, most of the things he discusses are done in engagement- not before! I think that a different approach to marriage prep is actually more in keeping with John Paul II’s vision, and the way that the human heart develops. The program that I wrote is more of a marriage discernment process that you do BEFORE engagement. My intention is for you to do it while you are seriously dating. This way you can truly discern, then during engagement participate in immediate prep and plan the wedding. 

What can marriage prep programs do to meet the mental health needs of families? 

I wish every single marriage prep program encouraged people to go to counseling. Just as we go to the dentist every six months, we need to end the stigma of getting counseling before something catastrophic happens. 

Let’s talk about the Goal of the Discerning Marriage and the podcast. What is the grand vision and how do you want to support everyday Catholics? How do you think the Lord is inviting you to support and strengthen the domestic church? 

My vision is that people would discern marriage like they discern religious life. I hope that they will discern marriage intentionally, and I want to give them the resources to do that. One of the things I love about the podcast is that I can compile experts all in one place for various topics. I hope to strengthen the domestic church by helping people discern marriage well, and live marriage well. And not just to stay married but to be happy. I want people to enjoy being married. When people are discerning, they are finding Christ. 

Is there anything else you’d like to share with listeners? What is the one most important thing you hope listeners remember from this podcast?

I hope that you remember that it’s Jesus you seek when you dream of happiness. Your desire for marriage, healing, and babies is good- but the ultimate desire is for Jesus. The second thing I’d like people to remember is that counselors are normal people that just want to help you. Counseling doesn't need to be a big, scary thing. Going to counseling can lead you to the heart of Christ, and freedom.